Monthly Archives: February 2007

The Break Up Diaries (1 of 4)

As you know I recently received an e-mail out of the blue from an ex. There was discussion about whether I should reply and what my ex’s motives were.

My response is four memories from that time, posted on Live Journal, for you my friends. She deserves no response, whereas I want to give you all a snapshot of that time.

Sitting in this house, where I have had three of my five therapy sessions so far, I feel pensive, a little distracted and Rachel picks up on this. She reiterates that hypnosis is good, it’s productive, it’s healing. I agree but am haunted by my upbringing, a typical northern family that sees things like this as a sign of weakness, an inability to exist in a world where crap happens.

There is no reluctance though and I begin to prepare myself, getting comfortable in my chair as Rachel’s tone softens and takes on a dreamy state. She informs me that I am sitting comfortably in the chair, as ín reality, and that I have a tv and video in front of me. The remote control for these is on the arm of my chair and the tv screen has a picture of me sitting in the chair, again as I am now. My instructions are to rewind the ‘tape’ of my life until I come to the point of the greatest moment of pain. This is easy I think, as this will be a few days ago when Sam and I confirmed the truth I had denied for too long, that we will not marry, not have children, not be together.

I sit and rewind, shocked that I seem to be going way back in time, much further than I had originally thought, and there, on the screen, in front of me, is my mother, holding Kathryn (my sister), who has just run into our living room. I stand at the doorway with my grandfather behind me, motionless and seemingly emotionless.

For this is 23rd February 1983, this is the day that my grandmother died and this is, without doubt the most painful experience I have ever had. The tears roll down my face as I relive this, describe it to Rachel, who has no memory of my deceased at 49 year old grandmother, who never will. Rachel takes it slowly now, she can see that this is a tough moment, dealing with the break up of my relationship and coming to terms with all of that, whilst at the same time transporting myself back to the time when my heart hurt the most, when it was in danger of truly breaking.

The hypnosis ends and I sit, slightly bemused by what has occurred. Rachel however, sits with that almost smug smile on her face, for she knows that this was a big moment and knows that she has lead me to a realisation that is going to allow me to get through this, deal with this break up and come out of the other side. It is because no matter how much I hurt now, it is not the end of the world, I have hurt more, much more and that was 15 years ago.

Leaving Rachel’s house my walk ups a pace ever so slightly and I mouth the words that I never thought I’d be able to say: “You almost broke my heart Sam, you almost made me give up. I’m bigger and braver than that and I will get through this.”

The streets of Manchester, early Saturday morning, as the rain lifts and the sun starts an attempt to break through the cloud; mirrors my smile forcing its way out of the tears, that I allow to make their way down my face.

One of my heroes…

My number one in the world of cinema, that’s for sure:

David Lynch interviewed by the Guardian

Thanks to

for posting this!

A couple of worthy things…

… for you to think of:

1. The wife is going for interview number two tomorrow for a job she really would like to get. It’s at 11:00 CET and if you are around and have a chance to send some vibes then I know she will appreciate that very much.


is going to be running for charity in a couple of months, it’s for a worthy cause and so any money sent will be gratefully recieved.

That’s it for now, get back to what you were doing (unless it was foul and then, stop it!)

Proving drprearce is more interesting than me

A few days ago

asked the question of which author/authors shame you when you read, which make you wonder why the hell you write when you’ll never be anywhere near as talented, as wordy or as downright brilliant as these people?

My choices were:

Margaret Atwood
Paul Auster
Iain Banks
Micheal Ondaatje

I’d be very interested to know who yours were (and update my to-read list)

Also, whilst reading

‘s blog, I came across this little gem and wondered if any of you had been fortunate(?) enough to receive a review from her yet?

Are 90 reviews a day possible?


I’m sitting here (knowing I should be in bed) and feeling like I want to write so much before I lose it all but aware that I can’t…

I have just finished the best trilogy of this decade after having watched Lady Vengeance tonight.

I truly have witnessed one of the gods of modern cinema over the last year or so!

For those aware of my tingly pins and needles thang, it’s feeling more and more like a pinched nerve as I have one hell of a back twinge, which gets worse in the night and the sensation is more active in the hands and arms now and less in the legs. I will report more when I’ve seen the doc.

Sweet dreams.

Health question

Okay I got up this morning and had a weird pins and needles sensation in my left hand.

By lunchtime it was halfway up my left arm.

Now it’s up my left arm, my right hand and a little in my left leg.

Apart from this I’m a little tired (crap night last night) but otherwise ok.

Any comments?

So you think you know me do you?

Well I have done one of these before but maybe a lot of you weren’t around then:

Create your own Friend Test here

Have fun!

Stage Two (of trying to manage this journal better)

Like I said, I’d removed several names from my flist the other week and it felt better, felt like I was able to comment more, use this as a community in the way I had envisaged in the beginning.

Today has seen stage two of that, and that being the removal of another ten or so names. These have been removed because I don’t comment, you don’t comment or neither of us comment. I have so much that is occupying my time now and it feels unfair to those that I have built up a friendship with that I can’t devote more time to them; with this I feel I can.

If you are one of those that I removed and you actually enjoy reading my LJ and would like me to keep you on then just let me know and I’ll add you back (I’m a softy like that). Otherwise have fun and thanks for letting me in on your thoughts for the last year or so…

The rest of you better be staying put as I’ve a bit more to say now and you know you want to hear it!


By popular demand…

… this is how I looked yesterday:

Now you know what I mean…

Talk about a bolt out of the f**kin’ blue!

I just received this e-mail a few seconds ago from my ex of several years back:

I’ll get to the point of this e-mail. My husband and I had a baby in September. It’s been a big adjustment but I am totally in love with our little daughter. I know you have a son and I am sure you will agree that kids are great! Since having a baby I can’t help but think about what happened between you and I in 1999 and what I did. When I think back to that time I feel very sad indeed. I guess the reason I am e-mailing is to ask for your forgiveness. I know that might seem odd and out of the blue but it has been on my heart for a while and I feel it is important for my healing process. You may not want to reply to this e-mail and you may not be able to forgive me but I hope you know that I am deeply sorry for what happened. The actions we take in our past scar us for many years.

This is the person who put me in therapy after our relationship (not to mention everything else that happened during it).

How things can just come back and haunt you…