As you know I recently received an e-mail out of the blue from an ex. There was discussion about whether I should reply and what my ex’s motives were.
My response is four memories from that time, posted on Live Journal, for you my friends. She deserves no response, whereas I want to give you all a snapshot of that time.
Sitting in this house, where I have had three of my five therapy sessions so far, I feel pensive, a little distracted and Rachel picks up on this. She reiterates that hypnosis is good, it’s productive, it’s healing. I agree but am haunted by my upbringing, a typical northern family that sees things like this as a sign of weakness, an inability to exist in a world where crap happens.
There is no reluctance though and I begin to prepare myself, getting comfortable in my chair as Rachel’s tone softens and takes on a dreamy state. She informs me that I am sitting comfortably in the chair, as ín reality, and that I have a tv and video in front of me. The remote control for these is on the arm of my chair and the tv screen has a picture of me sitting in the chair, again as I am now. My instructions are to rewind the ‘tape’ of my life until I come to the point of the greatest moment of pain. This is easy I think, as this will be a few days ago when Sam and I confirmed the truth I had denied for too long, that we will not marry, not have children, not be together.
I sit and rewind, shocked that I seem to be going way back in time, much further than I had originally thought, and there, on the screen, in front of me, is my mother, holding Kathryn (my sister), who has just run into our living room. I stand at the doorway with my grandfather behind me, motionless and seemingly emotionless.
For this is 23rd February 1983, this is the day that my grandmother died and this is, without doubt the most painful experience I have ever had. The tears roll down my face as I relive this, describe it to Rachel, who has no memory of my deceased at 49 year old grandmother, who never will. Rachel takes it slowly now, she can see that this is a tough moment, dealing with the break up of my relationship and coming to terms with all of that, whilst at the same time transporting myself back to the time when my heart hurt the most, when it was in danger of truly breaking.
The hypnosis ends and I sit, slightly bemused by what has occurred. Rachel however, sits with that almost smug smile on her face, for she knows that this was a big moment and knows that she has lead me to a realisation that is going to allow me to get through this, deal with this break up and come out of the other side. It is because no matter how much I hurt now, it is not the end of the world, I have hurt more, much more and that was 15 years ago.
Leaving Rachel’s house my walk ups a pace ever so slightly and I mouth the words that I never thought I’d be able to say: “You almost broke my heart Sam, you almost made me give up. I’m bigger and braver than that and I will get through this.”
The streets of Manchester, early Saturday morning, as the rain lifts and the sun starts an attempt to break through the cloud; mirrors my smile forcing its way out of the tears, that I allow to make their way down my face.