The gloves are off!
We hear applause as the camera zooms in on our favourite host, Terry Minger, looking smug and all knowing (as usual) he directs our attention to a monitor, which shows Mark Deniz and Chuckle Monkey chatting and sharing a drink or two. Camera then moves to two seats at the front of the studio, one empty and one with a monkey (sans fez) upon it. The applause raises a notch in volume and the monkey takes a bow…
Terry Minger (TM): Welcome to another edition of Terry Minger, thanks to my lovely audience *whistles and cheers ensue* and thanks of course to
for agreeing to come along today.
*lots of applause*
TM: So, Chuckles, we invited you along for a special face-to-face today with a big name in the world of literature just now, giving you a better chance to air your views and promote your current Im in UR lj dissing UR book tour which sort of sputtered out after a rather embarrassing incident at
Chuckle Monkey (CM): Indeed, thanks for inviting me along Terry. Well as you know Shereen is an ardent supporter of that Deniz character and agreed to lock me in a cupboard after the interview to attempt to thwart the tour!
TM: She did? How devious (and kind of funny)
CM: Quite, well I’m out, I’m back and as August draws to a close, I’ve decided to go out with a bang. Your invitation certainly has helped that become a reality; I mean top-notch TV as it is!
TM: Why thank you, we like to think so. Any guesses for your companion on the plush chairs this evening?
CM: I was actually thinking about this today and have a few candidates. First up was Daniel Quinn, as he knows how to write about monkeys, although he used gorillas, which are, shall we say, not the brightest. Then I had a theory that it would be the mighty Russell Kirkpatrick, as he is actually going to launch the book and this would give me a chance to air my views and make him change his mind. Later came the thought that it may even be the wonderful Ursula K. Le Guin. Names have been popping up all day…
TM: Well let’s put you out of your misery, can the surprise guest please join us in the studio!
*music blares out, followed by
CM: Oh you have got to be *beep*ing kidding me!
CM: What was that noise?
TM: Oh, that’s just our language sensor, it doesn’t allow you to swear.
CM: I thought you put them in afterwards.
TM: No it’s done live.
CM: So if I call you a *beep* the audience won’t know?
TM: Anyway… welcome Mark, take a seat.
Mark Deniz (MD): Thanks Terry, may I say your hair lives up to your name today
TM: Why you cheeky *beep*er!
CM: *laughs but tries to hide it*
TM: So Mark, with your unexceptional haircut this evening, how have you been affected by all this dissing of your first ever editing project?
MD: Well in the beginning it was tough but as the monkey *winks at monkey* started to promo us rather than diss us and the fact that he made some unwise moves in accepting his interviewers *waves at
in the audience* has made for an amusing run through August.
CM: You wish, you jumped up simian killer; you have no idea of how many people that aren’t going to read your book!
MD: Millions I suspect but they weren’t going to buy the book anyway you sad excuse for a comedy icon. I mean Chuckles, what kind of name is that for one such as yourself. I like ‘Diatribe Monkey’ better.
TM: Okay, you two, it’s a little early for our scheduled punch-up, you’ll have the audience leaving before expected… monkey, you hate Mark, this is clear to see. But what of the other writers in the anthology, and especially the co-editor eneit, you have already expressed in earlier interviews that not only do you not have anything against them but that you actually admire many of them, so why the attack?
CM: Look, there’s a lot of talent in In Bad Dreams, this is true but pretty much all of the people involved will just notch it up as bad experience and put it behind them. Mark on the other hand *shows other hand* is a struggling writer, who will not be able to come back from this. *sneers at
TM: Ah, there would be many who would disagree. Mark has not only recently been head-hunted for an editorial position but he has garnered much support for the In Bad Dreams series, with many writers interested in the second book and rumour has it, a successful fantasy author has offered to write for the third book, not due to hit our shelves until 2009 *sighs*
CM: All propaganda, it’s all lies sent around the network by Mark himself. He’s kinda clever when he wants.
MD: *shakes head and sighs*
TM: What do you say to these rumours Mark?
MD: What can you say Tez, the monkey is deranged…
TM: Erm, my name is Terry not Tez.
CM: He’s a *beep*wit!
MD & TM: Who?
CM: Was just testing how quick the beep thang was, sorry Tez you were saying?
TM: So Chuckles, how’s that goat thing going, did RJ have any joy in getting you to ride it?
CM: *snarls* I don’t ride goats or baby llamas for that matter, which is what it was!
CM: Are you allowed to do drugs on national TV?
TM: People, monkeys, please… Mark, the question you’ve been dreading, which is the best story in In Bad Dreams?
MD: Funnily enough the monkey has been raving about, sorry I mean dissing, *winks* Miles Deacon of late and Front is my favourite in the book. It’s one of the main reasons it’s first up.
TM: And the worst?
MD: They were rejected but I do recall one by a monkey that was particularly weak.
CM: Why you! *leaps from chair and attempts to grab Mark, only to be restrained by security*
TM: Due to all the dissing, we’d like to give you Mark, the opportunity to say a few lines about each story. Give us a teaser.
MD: Oh, well thanks for the opportunity, I’ll try my best:
Front by Miles Deacon is quite simply a story of the horrors and the tragedy of war.
Cooling the Crows by
shows a side of society we generally shy away from.
Defenestrate by Michael Bailey gives us a view of the worst kind of break-up.
Living in Sepia by D. Richard Pearce brings familial tragedies to the fore in a devastating way.
Twenty Questions by
is IMing at its most disturbing.
The Curtain by L. J. Hayward discusses the strain of caring for sick relatives and of the need for release.
The Dry Heat, the Dust, the Martinis and the Insects by R. J. Barker tells of a man, alone, whose loneliness brings on a fatal paranoia.
Kogane-dono by Donald Jacob Uitvlugt warns of competing with those passionate about their interests.
Monstrous Bright Tomorrows by Robert Hood is a snippet of the life of one who sees the world very differently to many of us.
This Train Terminates Here by Pete Kempshall is one of the more ‘real’ of the tales and not to be read whilst taking the tube home on a Friday night.
The Letter by
returns us to familial tragedies, in a most disconcerting way.
The Ringing Sound of Death on the Water Tank by
highlights the cruelty of children.
The four flash fiction pieces by
lead us into a dark world of a mysterious child.
reminds us of tragedies that maybe are not that far away.
TM: Wow, glad I’ve pre-ordered my copy, sounds like it’s going to be a blast. Chuckles you’ve read the book, like to disagree with anything said here? *goading smile appears*
CM: *flips the finger* Censor that Minger!
TM: Well I say, we were warned about the attitude of the monkey but this is too much!
CM: I need the toilet, back in a mo. *leaves*
TM: *whispers to
* Why didn’t you murder him?
MD: Terry, I didn’t even try to, he’s a troubled monkey that one, I think he staged it all himself to get some sympathy. His flist was dropping, he was embarrassed he hadn’t heard of facebook or myspace and it all became too much for him. Have you seen the article? He used a cup for his fez and a bath splat for the blood under his body. At first I was surprised nobody spotted the tell-tale signs but then the truth came out.
TM: I see, what about the rumours that you’ve run Chuckle Monkey Records into the ground in recent months?
MD: See, I hold my hands up here, I made a mistake with a compilation at the turn of the year. It has received much criticism and I think it is warranted. I will happily let
take control of that once more.
Chuckle Monkey returns looking very smug.
TM: You find the toilet okay then Chuckles?
CM: Yeah I just looked for the door with the big TM on it, man I’ve eaten too many bananas today!
TM: You didn’t!
CM: I believe I did.
TM: Why you little— *goes for the monkey’s throat, is pulled off by security*
CM: He’s a bit touchy what?
TM: *runs away screaming*
MD: It appears so. Anyway are you really going to be flinging poo at Conflux 4 this year?
CM: Well, a lot has gone on this week and I’ve been thinking… of course I am you dim-witted excuse for an editor!
MD: Maddoc, you can come in now!
CM: Oh you little *beep*er *runs*
MD: *laughs and takes a sip of water as the lights fade*
MD: What’s that smell?
 not only has this recently been added to the Oxford Dictionary but it is in fact one of Mark’s favourite words.