Internal thoughts

It feels like this post is more for me to get some thoughts down, rather than anything for my flist or readers. That being the case it may read differently than what you are used to.

It’s hard to believe that it is only a few days before Christmas – true the signs are there, decorations in every window, a town chock full of shoppers, voices raised in song but at the same time not, there is no Christmas here, within our home, within our hearts.

“Love replaces fear”

At the rally on Wednesday, prominent Swedish author Marcus Birro, read one of his poems, a line within that called out to me – “Love is always stronger than death”

Love is the deciding factor, whatever else happens in terms of us and emotions it is love that wins out. Love makes us happy, makes us sorrowful – if it wasn’t my love for Fuat and Etina, then I wouldn’t be suffering anywhere near as much as I am now (if at all).

But can we really wish to remove the pain, thereby removing the love too? I don’t think anyone does that by choice, it’s something that happens to us, that is if we are really unlucky.

We all love and want to be loved, it is that simple.

I’m still not at a point where I can formulate any thoughts beyond the next few hours and where my reactions to things heard and seen range from sorrow, to love, to anger.

I am amazed at the way people aren’t affected by the recent news events here in Sweden (and the world) but at the same time realise I was one of them only two weeks ago.

I am angry that someone removed my brother from his rightful place in the world, and is still free.

I am aware of how much I love Etina, at how much seeing her pain is killing me. I watch the siblings go through their different phases, unable to help them, hoping that by being there is enough, enough as can be expected from a word so insignificant.

My sorrow comes from my own selfish need to spend more time with my brother, for wanting Maddoc to grow up, so Fuat can impart his immense knowledge upon my multi-cultural boy and make him a more tolerant, open, caring and thoughtful person.

I want to be more tolerant than I am, and I want Fuat to show me how. Someone has taken that possibility away from me, needlessly but believe me I am not going to stop looking – there is much I can read and much I can study of my Abe’s (Turkish for ‘big brother’) work and I plan to do that, I for one will not let him die in vain.

It’s 21st December today and there is mourning to come. There is no date for a funeral yet as the police are keeping my brother’s body as evidence. The funeral will not be until after New Year and will be a significant start to next year.

1915 was Seyfo, the year of the sword, the year that the Ottoman Empire tried to wipe the Assyrians from the face of the Earth.

2008 will be the Deniz family’s year of the sword.

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About Mark S. Deniz

English teacher, writer, editor, publisher, reviewer and blogger. Founder of publishing company, Morrigan Books and imprint, Gilgamesh Press and editor-in-chief for review site, Beyond Fiction. Also cycles, plays floorball, listens to lots and lots of music, reads a ton of books and tries to fit in some TV, film and writing too. View all posts by Mark S. Deniz

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