One year on

Where do I start?

From 2007-02-17 Berolin and Ninos’ Engagement
From 2007-02-17 Berolin and Ninos’ Engagement

I don’t really know where to start to be honest, I suppose I could begin with the fact that we can’t even agree when Fuat actually died. He was stabbed in the neck from behind on 11th December 2007 and died at the scene of the crime. However, his heart was started again and he was then declared dead on 12th December 2007. The respirator was kept running until 13th December, when Fuat’s heart stopped, thus denying his sister Vivianne a chance to see him before he lost his natural colour and warmth.

Choose which you will, for me I’m not so into clinical terms and decisions from machines and so this is the anniversary of his death. Of course I’ll be thinking a lot about him and his family over the next few days but I’ve pretty much been doing that all year, with or without calender reminders.

The second picture shows Fuat (and Andreas) taking care of a poorly Maddoc. Our boy is less than a year old in this shot and for me it symbolises the relationship he would have had with his uncle had his uncle been around to see him grow up. It hurts me to look at that shot but I force myself to, it reminds me of things I need to hold dear.

Fuat was especially interested in my publishing career and I wanted to tell him the other day about the big things happening, as I knew he’d be impressed. I wanted to know if he fancied writing something about the Assyrians for Gilgamesh Press. We’ve all lost someone dear, we all go through this, especially at anniversaries.

I still can’t believe he was stabbed though and I still can’t believe a cousin’s jealousy was the reason for his death. It does happen all the time and hell, even on my short list of friends on LJ I know of one person who has been the victim of an attempted murder and two who have people close to them who have been murdered or who have had family members taken away from them in this brutal way.

But that’s all I’m going to say about the murderer for now, as he’s not worth my words, my thoughts, he’s a dark person in a dark place and I pity him, I pity his feeling of worthlessness that drove him to such a cowardly act, no I want to remember Fuat.

Love is stronger than death, it is that simple and so damning for those who don’t have love at all in their life. We are all broken in some way and we all have our luggage to bear. How we bear it is a measure of who we are and Fuat was a giant of a person, when considering his achievements and personality when thinking of his background and what he so could easily have been.

In less than two years I will reach the age that Fuat was when he was murdered and I have a long way to go if I am to reach half of his potential. A kid who came from a village in the east of Turkey, moving to Sweden when he was nine years old, becoming a doctor of sociology a little over twenty years after his arrival in this country – it defies belief, it really does.

And I’m attempting to compete with him, a thirty eight year old with pretty much no hindrances to get to where I am – oh yes I can complain about working class single mothers and money issues too but that’s really just a western world ‘luxury’ problem and not something that really compares.

Fuat was an unbelieveable human being and I still can’t believe he has gone. He was my friend and my brother and I always knew I had his support and it always meant a lot.


About Mark S. Deniz

English teacher, writer, editor, publisher, reviewer and blogger. Founder of publishing company, Morrigan Books and imprint, Gilgamesh Press and editor-in-chief for review site, Beyond Fiction. Also cycles, plays floorball, listens to lots and lots of music, reads a ton of books and tries to fit in some TV, film and writing too. View all posts by Mark S. Deniz

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