Tag Archives: audrey

Audrey and her grandmother would have gotten on

Today was one of those days that I thought a little about unfairness.

Basically, I spend a lot of time reminding myself that even though I don’t really believe that everything happens for a reason (I used to) or that after a really terrible thing comes a good thing (I used to), I do believe that you have to get on and make the best of what you have. Call it the stiff British upper lip, if you will, I tend to sway on the side of the overwhelming realisations that life is so fleeting and so fragile that if you don’t get on with it you’re a bit of a fool.

Anyway, today was a day where I felt an ache that my mother never met any of my three children but especially Audrey.

We were in town doing some errands and I asked her if she wanted to come for a coffee break with her daddy. A double cappuccino and a chocolate biscotti for me and a glass of water and a coconut ball for Audrey and we were set. As we sat and chatted I became aware of just how much a people watcher Audrey is before her comments started about how nice that girl’s plaits were and how much she liked that woman’s jumper and how that other woman looked like her auntie Vivianne.

And the more I sat and listened, the more I realised that had my mother been sat there with her, they would have both been in their element, comparing the people coming in, discussing hairstyles and clothing and so on.

Fairness is relative, but today I felt unjustly served.

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Father’s Day or A Tale of Two Worlds

Up until 2006, Father’s Day had absolutely no significance to me, as I had no children of my own and I’d never met my father. My mother married my stepfather in 1989 but we pretty much never saw eye-to-eye from day one and so there was no real endeavour on my part to celebrate the day for his benefit. I’m sure I was asked to buy a pair of socks for him by my mother a couple of times, and I’m sure I did a couple of times too. Doing something for your mother on Father’s Day doesn’t really count though does it?

And then came 2006 and Maddoc was born, giving Father’s Day a whole new meaning.

In Sweden, Father’s Day is the second Sunday in November, but I stated from the beginning that I wanted to be celebrated on the English day. This is for two reasons: the first was that I’m English, and it feels like the proper day to celebrate, especially seeing as it wasn’t celebrated in my family before and also due to the fact that my Birthday is 13th November (calendars out people), meaning I would have to have my two special days around the same time (possibly even the same day). That will not do.

An ironic twist today is that my son, Maddoc, has been invited to a Birthday party on my special day. Ironic in that most Birthday parties he attends are on a Saturday and also because the father of the Birthday boy is also English. Maybe he prefers celebrating the Swedish day…

So here I am with Audrey, my daughter, who has repeatedly stated she wants to do her own thing, rather than go out and do things with Daddy. That is fine, she’s only three after all and has not understood the concept of the day. She is merely taking advantage of a rare moment home without her brother, where she can play with the Lego and not be told she’s doing it all wrong…;-)

It’s days like this I’m reminded of the immense responsibility of being a parent, especially a father, in terms of the fact that I never had a father myself and because this is the last Father’s Day I am the father of two. Having never met my own father, I was informed last year that he’d actually died, putting pay to that ever happening. Was I regretful that I’d never tracked him down, that we’d never discussed why he left, why he wasn’t prepared to take the responsibility he helped create? No. I struggle to feel any strong emotions, due to the fact that I never met him, that I only ever saw one photograph of him, that I only heard about him from others.

Blood is thicker than water, is an expression that has never meant anything to me. I believe that family members deserve more chances when they have wronged you but only to a certain extent. Maybe the expression does hold then, just that it is not a given. I have relatives that have said the most hurtful things to me and later acted as though nothing was said. I am a Scorpio and we do hold grudges. I have tried to be more forgiving of others (and myself) over recent years but changing the spots takes time, a whole lot of willpower and the desire.

So today is a day I celebrate the fact that I am a father, that I continue to be an active father to my children, to help them in their lives, as much as I can, as much as they need. It’s a day to reflect on what I have done for them so far, what I’ve done well and where I can improve. I’m helping them through life but they are also helping me, they are making me a better person and for that I am truly grateful.

The son to the father? That’s a role another can play, a role that was denied to me, a role beyond my grasp. We cannot be everything to everyone. Father is a role I’ll happily play. Be. Enjoy.

Maddoc and I decided today that he will call me ‘Dad’. Audrey will continue to call me ‘Daddy’. Until the end of July they are the only ones that can call me this. This is one of the reasons why I don’t want them to call me Mark. That is a name for others, not them, it’s not because it’s a sign of respect, some old conservative view, it’s that it’s their priviledge.

Happy Father’s Day to those fathers celebrating today.


In which I waffle a bit – for it is Friday

  • I’m not Turkish, nor am I Swedish. You’d be surprised how many people have mistaken me for one or t’other the last few weeks.
  • I was called the nicest guy ever and an absolute bastard in the same day this week (by different people). Yes, I believe I can be both – well maybe not the nicest guy ever but you know what I mean (I hope).
  • I have applied for two jobs this week: one is up the road and one is out of the country…
  • I started a novel last night and if there is anything that was unexpected this year then it was that. It’s contemporary horror and I have been a might inspired by Ramsey Campbell, Gary McMahon, Carole Johnstone, and Mike Stone.
  • amandapillar (my co-editor on Phantom Queen) will be coming over to my blog as a guest blogger next week. Several authors involved in the book will also be joining in (including Katharine Kerr).
  • I’ve watched a few more Merlin episodes this week. It’s a bit more fun but still rather terrible. Yes, wedschilde I have washed my eyes after every episode!
  • Watched the first episode of Season Two of Damages – Ooh! And it has William Hurt and Timothy Elephant Olyphant in too, winner!
  • Watched the first episode of the continuation of Supernatural. It was a good character developer but otherwise just good, nothing special.
  • Audrey started baby swim today and there are pics to follow (when the missus gets home with the camera).
  • Maddoc fell asleep on the bike on the way home from baby swim yesterday. We got home at six and he was placed in bed (complete with outdoor clothing – sans hat and boots) and stayed that way until four in the morning, when he came to us!
  • dqg_neal broke the zokutou and doesn’t know how to fix it – where be’eth my shinieth? (Adding a new dimension to Merlin’s dialogue here)
  • Characters I don’t like in BSG which seems to shock BSG fans = Roslin, Starbuck, Dualla, Sharon, Boomer, the eights and Gaeta (I dislike many others but then most people I know don’t like them).
  • Characters I love in BSG = Six (my fave, pretty much in any incarnation), Tigh (he’s a rock star for crying out loud), Racetrack, and Baltar.
  • It’s still Depeche Mode week and I’ve now exhausted my playlist and gone onto some weird remix album that I haven’t listened to before.
  • Read my first book of the year (which was a pitch for us) and am a third of the way through another now (a Campbell book).
  • Going out for said baby swim, the missus left the balcony door open and when I got back the floor was like ice. It is still freezing in here (three hours later) and I have my slippers on and a cardigan. I have either gotten to be a soft Swede or old or both. (It’s -10C outside, which is 14F for the infidels here).
  • I’m bloody starving (the oranges have gone, they left me)!
  • Our flat is welcoming visitors this year and so anyone up for a visit let me know. There are offers from various places in Europe although if you want to spend shit loads and travel from the US or Australia, I’m ok with that too. It would be brilliant to show you around and have some good old chats abouteverything and anything. (Unless I get the job abroad of course as then you’ll have to wait till we settle in).
  • Burnley play away to Preston tomorrow. They’ll get beat. They always do.

Back later as I have some questions to put to the group…


Kidz I haz them!

Was in a comparison mood today and had a look at a few pics of our two at similar ages.

This is how they looked at 22 days old each (well Maddoc is 21 days old but)

Audrey and Maddoc comparison

(Maddoc definitely wins the hair award!)

What do you mean I need a shave and it looks like I have baby vomit on my t-shirt – you people are insane!


38 eh? Let’s see how that feels…

First up, thanks for all the lovely messages on LJ and Facebook and e-mail yesterday, I was very touched.

From 2008-11-13 Mark turns 38

There you have one of the perfect moments from the day. Some other stuff I did (for those interested) was:

Listen to some tunes (I really needed to catch up on some listening, especially with the deadline for new albums in just a couple of weeks).

Prepared my preliminary invite for my 40th birthday party – yes 40th, it needs planning I tells ya!

Played Lego Batman – I have much love for this game and it pees all over Lego Indiana Jones from a great height (the latter being much jumping and not much else) and I might even go as far as to say it is better than Lego Star Wars. I know, I know, it’s a crazy thing to say but it just feels like that at the mo.

Watched the first half of the mini-series of BSG with etina, in order to get her interested so we can go through the whole thing together, whilst doing my reviews for ASif! at the same time.

Had the lovely audrey_deniz with me (as in pic) for a whole two hours without protest.

Watched highlights of the Chelsea vs Burnley game in the Carling Cup. We beat Chelsea, at home, Chelsea!

Had maddoc_deniz make me a nice coffee (with a little help from his mummy) and share ice-cream (and later pizza) with me.

Took Maddoc to his swimming lesson and got a cool photo of him underwater.

Got a lovely card from the wife, which pretty much said everything I needed to hear.

Watched a bit of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull (as I’m doing that new father thing of only being able to watch things longer than a tv episode in stages and because I’m not that impressed so far).

All in all a jolly nice day!

(notice the music isn’t Chad!)


And where do you think you have been Mr. Deniz?

Oh, that was a tough weekend: visits, tidying up, receiving two sacks of clothes for Audrey from a relative that smelled of damp and were forced to be washed, lack of sleep, Maddoc in fifth gear, cooking…

Otherwise great…

*winks*

(Hopefully Maddoc and Audrey will have stuff to report soon too)


Snapshots

From Drop Box