Today was one of those days that I thought a little about unfairness.
Basically, I spend a lot of time reminding myself that even though I don’t really believe that everything happens for a reason (I used to) or that after a really terrible thing comes a good thing (I used to), I do believe that you have to get on and make the best of what you have. Call it the stiff British upper lip, if you will, I tend to sway on the side of the overwhelming realisations that life is so fleeting and so fragile that if you don’t get on with it you’re a bit of a fool.
Anyway, today was a day where I felt an ache that my mother never met any of my three children but especially Audrey.
We were in town doing some errands and I asked her if she wanted to come for a coffee break with her daddy. A double cappuccino and a chocolate biscotti for me and a glass of water and a coconut ball for Audrey and we were set. As we sat and chatted I became aware of just how much a people watcher Audrey is before her comments started about how nice that girl’s plaits were and how much she liked that woman’s jumper and how that other woman looked like her auntie Vivianne.
And the more I sat and listened, the more I realised that had my mother been sat there with her, they would have both been in their element, comparing the people coming in, discussing hairstyles and clothing and so on.
Fairness is relative, but today I felt unjustly served.
It doesn’t feel that long:
Just had a call from my little sister, telling me that my mum’s best friend’s husband has found out he has cancer and that the chances to defeat it are not too good…
What a great two years she is having, to lose your best friend one year and then your husband the next…
Huge hugs from us here in Sweden, you were such a great friend to my mum and it’s so terrible that you have to deal with this, now.
I’ve been away, I know, for the first time ever I wish I could say it has been because I’ve nothing to talk about, that there is nothing going on. It’s actually pretty much been the opposite, both for good and bad. Here’s a little rundown for those missing my usual rants and musings (especially you my new anonymous guest… *winks*)
- Mum died a year ago yesterday, it wasn’t so much a sorrowful day as a weird day, not knowing what to do, what to think… I have realised though that I am coping with this much better than those around me. 2007 should be a much better year.
- I’m a bit ick; I was just feeling really tired all day yesterday, which I put down to late nights. It has been but it’s also because of something (god knows what) as I woke up today worse and with every muscle screaming out. Etina was a star and let me stay in bed until around twelve; I needed it.
- I’m back on paternity leave. There’s lots of reasons for this, right now, just now but all that comes up in another post soon.
- The film (I wrote) is ready; I watched the finished version today… of course I’m not 100% happy with it but did I ever expect to be? It looks very professional and I am pleased to have been part of that. Looking forward to my next film…
- I didn’t win (nor get an honourable mention) in the 3-day novel. That means that I’ll be editing the book as either a novella or film script…
- In Bad Dreams is looking like it has its quota of writers now; we are not 100% sorted with them but expect announcements soon…
- I’ve read my first book and seen two films (no Borat doesn’t count as I watched less than a third of it).
- For those expecting CDs from me, they are coming, it’s just that due to another music project and having no printer the last few days (have sold the old one and we are expecting the new one soon).
- Found out that the start-up grant for new businesses has been cut from six months to three. If I haven’t got my decision (and grant) ready by March there is a good chance it is going to be reduced from three to zero (thanks right wing government!).
- Was in Stockholm on Friday for a PhD party; wondering whether I should go for that Masters…
- My head hurts…
This has been a morning of contemplation and explanation; things that have escaped me previously seem now to make more sense… pain exists, and being pain it is not quantifiable. Would I want it to be?
Last night as I turned off my reading lamp, I turned to Etina and said “Babes, I’m going to dream about you tonight.” which earned the response “Hmm, okay.” from a very tired spouse. The reason for this was that I had gotten a little tired (both physically and mentally) of the countless ‘Mum’ dreams recently, usually, if not always, ending in death and was trying to force myself into initiating a dream of another topic.
Well it worked to an extent, as instead of my mum dying in said dream, Etina did, yes due to the dreaded cancer. Mum was also dying of cancer but was able to comfort me in my grief over Etina (wow that one hurt last night!).
Upon waking I had one of my recurrent morning surprises of a split inside top lip (right in the middle) and have now been able to backtrack and see that this tends to happen when I have had a dream of upsetting nature (the more tragic, the worse the split).
Things make more sense today but I’m not so sure I’ve made any major steps forward. I have to bear in mind that 26th December (Mum’s birthday) and 15th January (her death) are just around the corner. My guess is I can deal with everything much better after those dates… for now it’s time to accept and embrace the grief.
On another note, this new story is one that is really plaguing me without letting me write it. Have any of you ever had a short story that begs to be written but at the same time won’t allow you to put pen to paper/fingers to keyboard until you’ve pretty much got it right in your head? How did it manifest itself for you and what was the end result (I know you know exactly what I’m talking about here eneit with your recent tale!)?
Those of you who know my love for the yuletide season will be surprised at the fact that in 35 years this will be the first Christmas that I am not looking forward to.
Those of you who might not know my affection for the season can read the post from last year:
I know it’s Maddoc’s first Christmas but it’s also the first Christmas without Mum (whose birthday was the 26th).
… which states that today should have been my mum’s wedding anniversary, she would have been married to Greg for seventeen years if this hadn’t happened:
15th January 2006
I talked to my sister about getting a card for Greg, not an anniversary card but a card to let him know we are thinking of him just now. I didn’t because I’m thinking of me, my pain, I don’t want to have to think of anyone else at this time, I know it’s wrong, as I write it but I can’t help it. I am very self-obsessive about my pain, I cradle it, I tend it…
Today has just been one of those days, you know them, things are all over the place and you flit between sorrow and joy in equal proportions.
My highest point of joy was having my daddy/Maddoc time, listening to children’s songs and laughing and ‘talking’ to each other. I was also able to write a review that was outstanding for ASif and read through my now-edited short story being released later this year.
Snuggle time with the wife while Maddoc slept was a thoroughly unexpected and wholly pleasing surprise!
I feel like overall it has been a productive day but at the same time there has been this sense of the melancholy hanging over. The clouds have been heavy, the day after my family have returned to England is always a tough moment and especially this time, this being the first time they have visited after my mother’s death. We watched a video of my mum at Christmas yesterday and it is still hard to believe she is not around.
I also got stuck with my film script and the words just would not come, I sat and I looked and looked and sat but nothing…
I was hoping for this big grandiose entry now that I have a break from the World Cup (two days) but it was not to be.
I hope to get on top of friends’ entries soon but you know where I’ve been…
As I was out today on my cycle through the lovely countryside around the flat, I decided that next time I cycle (and subsequent sessions) I’m going to take the camera with me and take some shots of the routes I take and post them here, to give you an idea of Sweden.
It was such a good session today and I was so, so impressed with my time and effort (considering it was my fifth session in five days)!
Yesterday I got a little tearful as we were eating pasties from Etina’s mother and I was reminded that I will never eat one of my mum’s famous Cheese & Onion pies again. I have never liked Cheese & Onion pies from supermarkets or chippies as the cheese has always been turned into some industrial goo that should be sent to Greenpeace to test pollution levels!
When I expressed this feeling to Etina, she reminded me that it was exactly five months to the day that I lost my mum. Even though I have not made a decision to make a note of the months, there is something within me that is keeping a mental track of the passage of time.
A quote from a song whilst out on the bike today:
You cannot haggle with your mother,
you cannot choose her love
After speaking to several users about rocking babies, I decided that my unborn wasn’t listening to enough of my earlier music and decided to go on a little nostalgic trip.
Saturday saw us playing Kashmir by the mighty Zeppelin, after dynamine mentioned her gorgeous young’un likes Joy Division and Led Zeppelin.
Baby didn’t react too much but then me and Etina got upset after I told her that Led Zeppelin was one of my mum’s favourite bands (Mum’s funeral was two months ago today – you can read more on the ‘Mum’ links).
Today was a little of Radiohead, The Smashing Pumpkins and Jimi Hendrix (with the obligatory Voodoo Chile, as that was number one when I was born!) before then remembering a program talking about unborn babies reacting to bass in the womb. I thought, I pondered and then threw the track on that had baby bopping like a trooper and daddy smiling like an idiot!
‘What was it?’ I hear you cry, well no other than:
Blue Monday by the mighty New Order!
Go baby go! 🙂